Marriage is kind of a big deal in south Asia

Since south Asian families are so closely knit, marriage is kind of a big deal.

In previous generations, a lot of people from south Asia got married through arranged marriages. That does still happen (albeit maybe not as often), but these days, quite a few people from south Asia now get married through love marriages.

Regardless of how the bride (or groom, for that matter) is found, desi parents have a lot of fears when it comes to the impending nuptials of their son or daughter. A couple of their main fears are that they (the parents) won't get along with the spouse or that the daughter- or son-in-law won't fit in with the family. Imagine if you will: a pushy and opinionated daughter-in-law or a conservative son-in-law who marries into a liberal family. That's not even accounting for any kind of clash that might occur if the spouse is from another culture, background, class, country, or religion. (But those are all issues to discuss on another day in another blog post.)

Personally, I think some (or all) of these thoughts also go through the minds of American parents, but in the end, I think the American mentality is freedom of choice (even if the parents might feel it's a wrong one). More importantly, I think American parents think that in the end, they aren't the one who have to live with the spouse. In American marriages, there's somewhat of a sense of: "It's out of our hands." or "It's not our problem." On the flip side, a lot of south Asians live with their parents even after getting married, so getting along and having the spouse fit in are both crucial to the success of the family.

Sometimes I meet or hear about other Americans (like me) who are married to south Asians. Sometimes I have a lot in common with these women; sometimes I don't.

Recently, I've heard of a few American women who are married to south Asians; however, before the honeymoon period was even over, chaos had already broken out within the family. When I hear about these other people's lives, the general theme I get from their "life story" is of a couple of varieties: the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law don't get along (specifically who hates who is not really important) or the mother-in-law or daughter-in-law is controlling or only wants to have it "her" way (aka: Queen bee power struggle). From what I've heard from these people, the people in these situations sound miserable (at least from where I stand). They're dealing with issues along the lines of lack of privacy, family secrecy, and controlling behaviors. (I should mention now that encountering these issues is NOT unique to marriages between Americans and south Asians only and that these same issues could also be encountered in marriages that do NOT cross cultural or racial boundaries.)

It seems to be split down the middle for those in successful marriages versus those in the kind of situations I just described or at best, slightly slanted toward those in successful marriages. As for me (and I know I'm probably breaking the "code" here, but), I LIKE my in-laws. My biggest problem with them? I'm only able to see them once a year. I don't hate my mother-in-law (in fact, far from it). Oh and I think my nand (sister-in-law) and I get along TOO well (if that's even possible). The people in my husband's family are easy going and jokers. Getting together with them is a lot of fun and like having constant entertainment. I don't know if it's more luck or based on good choices, but for the record, I'm so glad I don't fall into the chaotic relationship category.