Not trying hard enough?

As I think I've mentioned before, I regularly read several other blogs that post topics that are in a similar vein to mine.

A few weeks ago, I read this blog post (Trying Too Hard) on The Big, Bad, Blonde Bahu Blog.

The gist of @badblondebahu's blog post was that (in her opinion), someone shouldn't get too caught up in a spouse's culture and give up her (or his?) own culture/identity. She said:

Clearly, there is no one way to be in an in intercultural relationship, but as someone who strains against being defined by my husband's ethnicity, I find it troubling that someone would choose to be so, well, devoured by it.

For some reason, the topic just struck a chord with me. So I wanted to take a moment to respond to what Big, Bad, Blonde Bahu said....sort of like a little friendly point and counterpoint.

I do agree with one thing that Big, Bad, Blonde Bahu said: "there is no one way to be in an in intercultural relationship." I think everyone is different and that everyone follows a different path. Each person chooses to embrace (or not embrace) the culture in his or her own way.

Even before I married my husband, I found desi culture interesting. As I'm sure you've heard read me mention before, I love the clothes, music, and more. On the weekends (especially immediately following one of our trips to south Asia), you can often find me wearing shalwar kameez around town -- even in non-desi settings. Sometimes, wearing those kinds of clothes earns me a compliment from a random desi lady; sometimes, it makes me stick out like a sore thumb. I've also taken at least 2 Urdu classes so that I can speak more fluently with family and friends.

Like many Americans, I can be a bit bull headed. So you can be sure that nobody (including my husband) coerced me to do any of these things and that I did all of them of my own volition. (In fact, I would have gone further with the Urdu classes if I'd just had more time, and I'd probably wear shalwar kameez more often if it weren't for the ironing.)

Big, Bad, Blonde Bahu's blog post questioned whether these spouses (of which I am one) may have been trying too hard. Personally, I think the question of "trying too hard" is relative. (Sometimes I think people don't try hard enough.)

As someone who's married to a desi, I try to do whatever I can to embrace my inner-desiness whenever the opportunity arises. Definitely whenever I'm in south Asia visiting my in-laws, I try my best to make extra efforts. For me, that means trying to speak speaking Urdu to the servants and family and wearing the desi clothes that my saas (mother-in-law) and nand (sister-in-law) design for me. (Do I mind dressing up in beautiful, expensive, designer clothes? Definitely not!)

Big, Bad, Blonde Bahu said:

When people do that, it makes me wonder if they dated and married their husbands for the men they are, or if they were infatuated with an idea of the culture.

There's really no way to separate a desi from his/her culture(, especially when he/she grew up in south Asia). What I mean is, people date, fall in love with(, and sometimes get married to) a "whole package": a combination of attributes a person has. Maybe he's (or she's) funny, smart, and sophisticated. Or maybe he's (or she's) kind, caring, and honest. Big, Bad, Blonde Bahu's statement is a lot like asking whether people drink orange juice for the orange flavor, the sweetness, or the pulp.

Big, Bad, Blonde Bahu also said:

I also wonder what the husbands think about it. Do they think it is sweet, or do they see the women they fell in love with trying to change themselves into a sort of idealized, retro idea of an Indian woman?

While I can't speak for all husbands, I can speak for mine and for my in-laws when I say that they appreciate any and all efforts I do -- whether those efforts be tiny or enormous -- and that my husband and in-laws are not trying to make me into anything I'm not. As I said, sometimes it's as simple as wearing some clothes that were prepared for me; other times, it's sitting and visiting with some family friends.  So, in response to Big, Bad, Blonde Bahu's statement: Not only do they think it's sweet, they love me for it even more.

As for the Urdu classes that I took, I'll admit that it does make it easier to talk to people (be it friends or family), and I use that skill both in south Asia and in the U.S. But it also helps make me more independent when I travel to south Asia. It means that I don't have to go get a translator family member to talk to the servants when I need help with something like ironing or food. You can't imagine what a useful skill that becomes when everyone has gone out and I'm left at home with only the servants (which hasn't happened very often) or when everyone else in the house is busy with some other activity or when I have to argue with a shopkeeper.

Does all of this mean I'm trying too hard? I think Big, Bad, Blonde Bahu may think so.  But I think it's the least I can do considering my spouse is someone I'm planning to have in my life for, oh...say forever.

Do I appreciate my husband's culture? Definitely. As I've said before, some people say I'm more desi than a desi. (And if you don't believe that, I suggest you meet me in person and hear my accent. You'll swear that even when I'm speaking English, the accent sounds south Asian.)

Does my husband's culture define who I am? Maybe partly. But...besides being a wife, I'm also a sister, a daughter, someone who loves to travel, a gadgethead, aaannnddd I think you get the idea.

[Cue: Don't You Forget About Me by Simple Minds]

In the great words of John Hughes in The Breakfast Club:

Brian Johnson: Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong...but we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us... In the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain...
Andrew Clark: ...and an athlete...
Allison Reynolds: ...and a basket case...
Claire Standish: ...a princess...
John Bender: ...and a criminal...
Brian Johnson: Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club.